my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
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So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
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Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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