I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
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I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My feet surprised me
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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