His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Less talking, more tequila
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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