Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
false alarm, still single
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize