The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
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I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
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I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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