she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize