girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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