I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
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after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
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I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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