what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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