I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize