Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
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If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
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I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize