I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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