So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
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