Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
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Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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