He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
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But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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