I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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