i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
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Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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