He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
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As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
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I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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