The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
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I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
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I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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