i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I will be naked everywhere
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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