I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize