Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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