If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
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Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
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Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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