if you like me you must not know who I am
no, he came in my armpit
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
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i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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