My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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