we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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