also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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