dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
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The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
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Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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