He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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