Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I take back everything I said about communal showers
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this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
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You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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