so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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