What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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