My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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