we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
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I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
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do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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