Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
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Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
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She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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