Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
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We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
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YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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