You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
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Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
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Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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