Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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