when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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