nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I am midnight drunk by noon
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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