I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
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I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
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Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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