My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
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How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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