she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
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I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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