I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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