I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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