I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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