My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize