Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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