Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
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If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
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I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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