so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
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Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
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Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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